Validation vs. Agreement
By: Eric Harlow
Reviewed by: Scott R. Woolley, PhD, CFT
Validation Is Not the Same as Agreement: An EFT Perspective
In couples therapy, one of the most common challenges I witness is the belief that
validating a partner’s feelings means agreeing with them. This misunderstanding often keeps
partners stuck in cycles of defensiveness and distance. One thing I often highlight to my couples
is that validation is not about conceding a point or admitting fault; it is about creating emotional
safety and connection.
The Common Struggle: Logic vs. Emotion
Consider this scenario: A woman with a painful history of betrayal becomes anxious
when her current partner does not respond to her text messages during the day. By the time he
comes home, her fear of abandonment has escalated, and she lashes out: “Why didn’t you answer
me?” Her partner, having been in meetings with his phone turned off, responds logically: “I was
at work. Why are you acting like this?” On the surface, his explanation makes sense. But her
emotional response is not about the present moment alone, it is shaped by earlier experiences of
hurt, betrayal, and trauma. She is not simply reacting to a missed text; she is reacting to the fear
of being abandoned and the possibility of repeating a deep emotional wound. This is the “logic
versus feeling” dynamic that so many couples encounter: one partner relies on rational
explanation, while the other is swept up in overwhelming emotion.
What Validation Is Not
Validation does not mean endorsing the accuracy of a belief or taking responsibility for
pain rooted in the past. The partner in this example does not have to agree that forgetting to text
was a betrayal, nor does he need to assume responsibility for the injuries caused by her former
relationship. His partner lashing out is a consequence of primarily her own attachment injuries,
none of which were caused by him, which is where his defensiveness may stem from.
What Validation Is
Validation is the act of acknowledging and responding to a partner’s emotional
experience with empathy, compassion, understanding and care. It is about saying:
“I can see how scared you felt when I didn’t respond.”
“It must be painful when those old fears of being abandoned come up.”
“I want you to know I am here with you now.”
Notice that none of these responses concede wrongdoing. Instead, they communicate
attunement and understanding. When a partner feels emotionally seen and understood, their
nervous system can settle, and the defensive energy of the argument begins to dissipate.
Why Validation Matters
The most common pattern I notice in couples is that conflicts are rarely about surface-
level issues, but more likely deeper attachment wounds and needs. The need to feel safe, secure,
and connected. Validation is a way of responding to those needs, not to the facts of the argument.
When partners learn to validate one another’s inner world, even when they do not agree with the
story behind the feelings, they send a powerful message: “You matter. You are not alone in this
fear.” When we experience an attachment wound, we are not looking for our partner to pull us
out of the pit of darkness. Instead, healing comes when they climb down and sit with us in it.
Breaking the Cycle
When couples confuse validation with agreement, they miss the opportunity for intimacy.
Validation bridges the divide between logic and emotion. It transforms defensiveness into
connection. In many of the couples I work with, one partner may lean more on reason, while the
other may lead with emotion, but regardless of gender, both partners need to know that their
feelings can be honored without turning every conversation into a debate about “who is right.”
In Closing
Validation is not about proving a point or assigning blame. It is about choosing
connection over disconnection. It is an act of love, empathy, and commitment, the foundation of
secure emotional bonds. The next time you find yourself in a moment where logic clashes with
emotion, pause and consider: Can I validate my partner’s feelings, even if I see things
differently? The definitive answer is yes.
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